itunes youtube pandora open and playing. check
midnight snacks way past midnight, regular meals morphing into one giant brunchiner. check
caffeine fix. check
g chat status updated every hr on the hr. check
fb msgs and wall posts and pictures look the same after refreshing the page so many times. check
inappropriate comments and gestures all tolerated thanks to common sense that went out the window three hrs ago. check
sitting in the same room for 24+ hrs straight. check
power naps and passing out in public spaces w a mass of ppl. check
pretty much one set of clothes. check
fried brain regurgitating words somehow making logical argument. check
free condoms and lubes available courtesy of university health services. check
empty telegraph ave on fri night, no line outside blakes or mannys or kips. check
blogging before papering @ 5am. check
'you can do this!' 'we can do this!' 'i can do this!' check
spontaneous dancing baking hugging. check

i love finals

co habitate w me Jesus. my heart isnt big enough for both of us. but somehow you make it possible. so stay w me. i cant promise you anything really. but as long as i keep choosing you, bc you chose me first bc you said you wont go home without me bc you saw me and said shes the one, as long as i remember that i choose you i want to be w you all i need is you. we are going to be alright. you got this. you will see us through. you make it work.
so
co habitate w me
Jesus

every now and then i remember
that evening when you told me why
you scar your body. maybe
because i am so numb inside i try
to feel something real, and pain
and the idea of permanence along the tattooed lines of my body
remind me
that im alive. ok fine i paraphrase
but thats what i hear when i picture
your face
behind us the reddest sunset ive ever seen. and the rain
pouring on our wet faces as we swim stop swim stop
the thunder and the lightening and the lifeguard forcing us out
of the pool. we leave for dinner you tell me to steer
the handle and you let go, stepping on the accelerator.
in the crazy storm im screaming and laughing
you are gonna get us killed! both of us knowing
full well that you got this and im safe (im safe with you)
i dont want to remember too much
of what followed after because goodbyes are always
(still) sad.
but what i didnt get to say
in person now i almost regret
is dont be numb. i found your receipt that night you let me sleep on your bed. a pack of
durex condom. i stood there
for a bit i remember thinking
who is it for who. i
wont ask that now. but dont
dont be numb. please because all i want
is for you to be
happy truly happy. and alive
fully alive. theres more for you whether you hurt
or im the one hurting still
from the three hundred eighty nine million goodbyes i said with you. and each time
dying that much more inside
either way
i would like to say
dont
dont be numb.
thats my prayer
for you as well as
for myself. even though i am fighting
to believe that its better
to have loved and lost
than to not have loved at all.
so please
lets not
be numb to pains we each face
as we go our seemingly separate times and spaces
we ll be alright. and im remembering that
hope of one day you and i
face to face
again smiling because years and miles dont
seem to matter so you take me swimming
again, and i feel safe
next to you

she will not be forced. she only can reveal her secret

its so much easier to repeat what others say and keep pushing back what you want to say

this thought is an recurring one:
i know very little about neurotransmitters and chemicals, but what i do know for sure is how caffeine makes my body so very much happy.
maybe other drug trips are the same experience, just more intense. every time you take a hit somehow the world comes into focus, lines become sharper sounds clearer ideas move faster dreams take on the sweeter forms and ppl look a tad bit more beautiful. and the thoughts elevate. or at least for me, sorry you whose minds are stuck on things of the flesh.
you start seeing connections, between what your ethnic studies professors said about nation-state identity and your gay friends latest heartbreak and your own fight with God because He hasnt been making sense. your heart starts singing joy. your mom starts sounding more loving that annoying. only if the chemical effects lasted forever right?
now this is the interesting part. what do we know about the oracles in the old days? the shamans the spirit walkers the prophetesses? yes we say its a common knowledge that they inhale hallucinogens and see horses rainbows corpses fields volcanoes faces of gods that communities interpret as signs for the future. well im no shaman. but there is a prophetic in every child of God. and no im not saying drugs help you get closer to the divine. hah 420 friendly hippies would love to argue that.
im just wondering what it wouldve been like. to be chosen at an early age as the seer the voice the channel of the gods, separated from the normal life of mortals in eating in wearing in sleeping in working, learning to enter the holiest of holies naked clothes drugged sober minded scared excited as world known to human life comes crashing down, being possessed by the spirits whatever they are (no way of discerning if you dont know Jesus poor souls) to see feel hear taste things unrevealed to us things we werent meant to have access to. isnt that amazing
who knows what they had seen? what breathtaking beauties horrors their eyes beheld. voices like rushing water lightening blinding glory blazing fire that burns to the bones wailings so terrible stenches of dying bodies wars in heaven and in earth forces indescribable pleasures forevermore who knows. they are in many ways more real and more important than homo erectus fossils and industrial revolution. these are the creatures of darkness the shadow children the beast that gloria anzaldua talks about. i used to say if i were born just a century ago i would no doubt be tried and convicted and burned as a heretic witch. but thats another story for another day.
caffeine doesnt bring me closer to God. Jesus does. but its something worthy to think about. what it means to encounter the Spirit of the living God, just as i am, scared shitless but heart racing brain racing excited. every time we take a hit, we come to life. the secrets the mysteries the depth of this supreme being are revealed to us. through dreams through Words through battlestar galactica episodes and taylor swift songs. what remained a privilege of those ancient oracles is now a right for me. im a royal heir. the Kingdom is mine. and this living water high doesnt run dry.
i love caffeine.